The transformative subtlety of kindness

Reevaluating and redefining an oft oversimplified trait

Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

We hear a lot about kindness these days, and it’s often intertwined with the culture of wellness, meditation, yoga — you know the ones. Inspirational quotes around kindness abound on magnets, social media posts, and self-help books. If you Google kindness on the internet, most results come from psychology and mental health websites. Kindness is a quality that is lauded and widely shared, and yet I find that throughout my life, actual conversations around kindness have been few and far between. 

Be that as it may, the ones I have had have been truly eye-opening. So much so that my personal definition and understanding of kindness have shifted and deepened quite a lot over the years — more than I ever expected them to. I’d like to share some of these pivotal moments with you in this article. 

How much do you value kindness? 

One of the best and most memorable experiences I had at university was taking two completely voluntary, not-for-credit classes on female and male sexuality. Over the course of each workshop, we addressed topics like body image, relationships, gender and sexual orientation, boundaries and consent, and much more. Every week, we’d be given an assignment, which we would discuss in the safe, confidential space of our classroom. I learned so much about myself in these weekly meetings, and I often think back on some of the exercises I did as part of the course. 

One of these was on the topic of relationships. I was fresh into a new relationship, so it felt particularly relevant. The prompt was “Rank the following qualities in order of importance to you now.” The list, which we could add to or customise, included: commitment, excitement (new, risky, dangerous), friendship, fun, intellectual stimulation, love, passion/lust (“I want you right now”), physical attraction (“you’re hot”), sex, trust, respect, communication, compatible life goals, emotional support, fidelity, and kindness. 

If you have some time, why don’t you do this exercise with me? If you’re in a relationship, maybe ask your partner to take part too — however long you’ve been together. That’s what I did ten years ago, and the conversation that followed is why I’m writing this today. 

What does kindness mean to you?

Kindness. If you were to define it, what would you say? When I look up its definition in the dictionary, nothing does it quite justice. Google says “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.” Merriam Webster simply states “the quality or state of being kind,” i.e. “of a sympathetic or helpful nature.” 

When I first ranked my list of qualities, I don’t think I fully understood the meaning of kindness. Like the above definitions, it fell short of what I’ve come to appreciate about kindness today. It came so short that I placed it second to last.

I didn’t think twice about it until I asked my new partner to rank his qualities, too. He put kindness in his top five. That was such an “aha” moment for me. I felt both surprised and self-conscious. I remember asking myself why kindness had landed so low in my own list, and if that reflected poorly on my priorities as a human. In that instant, I suddenly realised that my partner valued kindness because he himself was so kind-hearted, more so than anyone I’d previously dated or probably even been attracted to. That was one month into our relationship, and we are now married. 

“When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people” —Abraham Joshua Heschel

How have you experienced kindness? 

Fast-forward ten years, and my concept of kindness has drastically evolved. While I still notice it on mugs, memes, and meditations, I discern and appreciate it much more in the people that surround me. A text message just to check in. An uplifting compliment out of the blue. An offer to help without hesitation. A shoulder to cry unexpected tears on. True kindness is intangible and unforced. It both comes from, and goes straight to, the heart. 

While kindness is a natural strength in some people — and you can take this test to find out if it’s one of yours — it’s also something we can consciously work towards. I’m currently taking Dr. Laurie Santos’ Coursera class, “The Science of Well-Being,” and it cites acts of kindness as an evidence-based technique to improve not just other people’s well-being, but yours too. I’ll include reading links at the end if you want to dive into some of the research — it’s fascinating. 

One of the course assignments is to “perform seven acts of kindness beyond what you normally do” over the course of one week. It can be big or small, but it must be something that really impacts or helps another person. While I think this is a great way to make us think about kindness in our daily lives — and I have no doubt that it helps with our general well-being — I felt a little uncomfortable checking off my personal acts of kindness as part of homework I was tasked to do. Why? Because to me, kindness comes from a place of instinct rather than forethought. And it hits a place of feeling rather than reason.

Unpacking this idea a little further, I realised there was a better way for me to value acts of kindness made towards me, and naturally pay them forward: through savouring. In her course, Dr. Santos defines savouring as “the act of stepping outside of an experience to review and appreciate it.” It “intensifies and lengthens the positive emotions that come with doing something you love.” If I’m actively noticing, savouring, and appreciating the moments when someone has acted kindly towards me, I’m more likely to organically emulate their kindness myself. 

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” — Aesop

Redefining your understanding of kindness

Because the dictionary’s definition doesn’t quite do the word justice, and because I think the way we experience kindness both in giving and receiving differs widely from person to person, I’ve tried to redefine what kindness means to me. 

The ability of one person to do a nice act for another without expecting anything in return. The innate desire to extend a hand to those in need, without considering one’s own feelings or needs first. Goodness, in its purest form. 

I’ve just repeated the exercise I did ten years ago, and while kindness still doesn’t claim the number one spot on my list of qualities I need in a relationship, it has significantly climbed the ranks to my top ten. When it comes to friendships, it is without a doubt one of the qualities I look for and value most, along with genuineness. If contemplating kindness over the years has taught me anything, it’s that kindness as an intrinsic quality is very rare. When I find it, I treasure it, savour it, and make absolutely sure to never take it for granted. 

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” — Mark Twain

So how would you define kindness in your own words? And where did it rank in your list of most-valued qualities? Rewriting mine, I was surprised at what had changed and what had stayed the same. Let me know how it went and what you learned about yourself along the way! 

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Recommended reading & additional resources

Just a few interesting things I’ve come across on the topic. This is by no means an exhaustive list on the subject, and I’d love to get other recommendations if you have any! 

• The Science of Well-Being by Dr. Laurie Santos. Offered by Yale, available on Coursera.

• Otake et al. (2006). Happy people become happier through kindness: A counting kindnesses intervention. Journal of happiness studies, 7(3), 361-375.

  As the title suggest, this paper tells us that counting your kindness leads to happiness.

• Lyubomirsky (2005). Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change. Review of general psychology, 9(2), 111.

  This paper tells us that doing random acts of kindness is one of many ways you can take intentional effort to make yourself happier.

• Dunn (2014). Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

  This book tells us money CAN buy happiness if you spend it on the right things such spending money on others rather than yourself.

• Dunn et al. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science,319 (5870), 1687-1688.

  This paper tells us spending money on others makes you feel good.

• Aknin et al. (2013). Prosocial spending and well-being: Cross-cultural evidence for a psychological universal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104 (4), 635-652.

  This paper tells us the happiness that comes from giving to others may be a worldwide, universal human response.

• Jose et al. (2012). Does savoring increase happiness? A daily diary study. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 7(3), 176-187.

  This paper tells us savouring positive experiences makes you happier.

• Lyubomirsky et al. (2006). The costs and benefits of writing, talking, and thinking about life’s triumphs and defeats. Journal of personality and social psychology, 90(4), 692.

  This paper tells us thinking about life’s positive moments makes you happier — and so does writing about life’s negative moments.